Rowan Atkinson | Welcome To Hell

Rowan Atkinson's Welcome To Hell sketch in full. Try it when you are next asked to make a speech and you've had a few drinks so you really think it would be funny...










Hello, nice to see you all again.

As the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now - this is hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you like - we try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal.

Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but for now I'll have to split you up into groups.

Are there any questions?

No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea. Right, let's split you up then.

Can you all hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?

Off we go,

Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please, thieves if you could join them, and BANK MANAGERS.

Fornicators, if you could step forward... My God there are a lot of you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.

AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormans who He realises put in a lot of work. The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been holding them in purgatory for the last nine months.

Sodomites, over there against the wall.

Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of charlies.

Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the Methodists that is.

Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.

Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't take a joke after all.

Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of exchange scheme with the Lord God Almighty, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you will spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here. Now, I hardly need tell you that you will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off their wings, use their halos for frisbee practice, that sort of thing.

Well, I have to go now, but Beelzebub here will show you the ropes... and the chains... and the electrodes.


Make you chuckle? Try these classic Rowan Atkinson DVD's:

The Blues Brothers | Snippets

A few gems taken from the The Blues Brothers movie script. I have trimmed all sorts here for ease of reading (and to keep my favourites bits) so don't get all upset if there are lines missing...

Jake's Release From Prison

[Jake is escorted by two Guards down a jail hall to the Parole Office to get Jake's belongings.]

Guard Two (Frank Oz): One Timex digital watch, broken. One unused prophylactic. One soiled.

[Outside view of Elwood pulling up to the jail entrance.]

Guard Two: One black suit jacket. One pair of black suit pants. One hat, black. One pair of sunglasses. Twenty three dollars and seven cents. Sign here.

[Jake signs an "X" on the form.]


The New Bluesmobile

Jake: What's this?
Elwood: What?
Jake: This car. This stupid car. Where's the Cadillac? The Caddy? Where's the Caddy?
Elwood: The what?
Jake: The Cadillac we used to have. The Blues Mobile!
Elwood: I traded it.
Jake: You traded the Blues Mobile for this?
Elwood: No. For a microphone.
Jake: A microphone? Okay I can see that. Well, what the hell is this?
Elwood: This was a bargain. I picked it up at the Mount Prospect City Police auction last spring. It's an old Mount Prospect Police Car. They were practically giving them away.
Jake: Well, thank you pal, the day I get out of prison, my own brother picks me up in a police car.
Elwood: You don't like it?
Jake: No, I don't like it.

[Elwood drives at high speed over a raising drawbridge and flies through the air before landing on the other side.]

Jake: Cars got a lot of pick up.
Elwood: It's got a cop motor, a four hundred and forty cubic inch plant, it's got cop tires, cop suspension, cop shocks, it was a model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on regular gas. Whaddya say? Is it the new Blues Mobile or what?
Jake: Fix the cigarette lighter.


Outside the Orphanage.

Jake: What are we doing here?
Elwood: You promised you'd visit the penguin the day you got out.
Jake: Yeah? So, I lied to her.
Elwood: You can't lie to a nun.


Inside the Orphanage

[Jake and Elwood go in and climb the stairs until they reach a door. Just before Elwood knocks on the door, a voice is heard from inside.]

Nun: Who is it?
Elwood: Jake and Elwood.
Nun: Come in. [They go in. The door shuts behind them.] No no boys. Come over here in front of me. I want to see your faces. [They shuffle up a bit closer.] The county took a tax assessment of this property last month. They want five thousand dollars.
Jake: Forget it, five grand; no problem, we'll have it for you in the morning. Let's go Elwood.
Nun: NO NO! I will not take your filthy stolen money.
Jake: Well then, I guess you're really up shit creek.

[The nun hits Jake on the hand with a ruler.]

Nun: I beg your pardon what did you say?
Jake: I offered to help you. You refused to take our money, then I said "I guess you're really up shit creek''.

[She hit's him again.]

Elwood: Christ Jake take it easy, man
Nun: Elwood!

[She starts hitting them both as the language deteriorates. The ruler breaks and the Nun reaches for a sword. Jake and Elwood go tumbling down the stairs.]

Nun: You are such a disappointing pair. I prayed so hard for you. It saddens and hurts me that the two young men whom I raised to believe in the ten commandments have returned to me as two thieves, with filthy mouths and bad attitudes. Get out! And don't come back until you've redeemed yourselves.

[She disappears back into her office and the door mysteriously closes.]


Driving Home

Jake: We'll put the band back together, do a few gigs, we get some bread. Bang! Five thousand bucks.
Elwood: Yeah, well, getting the band back together might not be that easy.
Jake: What're you talking about?
Elwood: They split, they all took straight jobs.
Jake: Yeah so you know where they are. You said you were gonna keep in touch with them
Elwood: I got a coupla leads, a few phone numbers, but I mean, how many of them visited or even wrote you huh?
Jake: They're not the kinda guys who write letters. You were outside, I was inside, you were s'posed to keep in touch with the band. I kept asking you if we were gonna play again.
Elwood: Well, what was I gonna do? Take away you're only hope? Take away the very thing that kept you going in there? I took the liberty of bullshitting you, okay?
Jake: You lied to me.
Elwood: It wasn't lies, it was just bullshit.

[Jake and Elwood are in the car, and go through a yellow traffic light. Police lights flash in the rear view mirror.]

Elwood: Shit!
Jake: What?
Elwood: Rollers.
Jake: No?
Elwood: Yeah.
Jake: Shit.

[Elwood pulls over as directed and an officer approaches the car.]

Elwood: What? What did I do?
Officer Daniel: You failed to stop at a red signal.
Elwood: The light was yellow sir.
Officer Daniel: May I see your license please?

[He takes the license back to the squad car.]

Jake: Goddamnit!
Elwood: Man I haven't been pulled over in six months. I bet those cops have got SCMODS.
Jake: SCMODS?
Elwood: State, County, Municipal, Offender, Data, System.

[The two officers return to Jake and Elwood's car.]

Officer Daniel: Elwood, we show your license currently under suspension. Step out of the car please.

[Elwood starts the car and drives off. The officers run back to their car and follow.]

Jake: First you trade the Caddilac for a microphone, then you lie to me about the band, now you're gonna put me right back in the joint.
Elwood: They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God.

[Elwood turns into a parking lot. Officers pursue.]

Elwood: It would be alright if we could just get back on the expressway.
Jake: This don't look like no expressway to me!
Elwood: Don't yell at me.
Jake: What the hell do you want me to do motorhead?
Elwood: Well, try not to be so negative all the time. Why don't you offer some constructive criticism?
Jake: You got us into this parking lot pal, so you get us out.
Elwood: You want outta this parking lot? Okay.

[Car speeds through toystore and continues on through the rest of the mall. Two Squad cars follow, Jake and Elwood escape through a shop window to outside.]


Mrs. Torantino's house

Jake: Mrs. Toronto?
Mrs. Torantino: Torantino.
Jake: Ma'am, do you have a Thomas Malone or Louis Marini living here?
Mrs. Torantino: Not any more they moved out a long time ago. I don't take in borders, not for a long time.
Jake: Did they leave a forwarding address? A phone number?
Mrs. Torantino: No.
Elwood: Did they live quietly? What were there personal habits?
Mrs. Torantino: They were good boys, but they made a lot of racket at night. Are you the police?
Elwood: No ma'am. We're musicians.


The Holiday Inn (The Armada Room)

[Murph and the Magic Tones are playing to an almost empty room.]

Murph: Thank you. Your marvellous. Your marvellous. Thank you. I'm Murph and these are the Magic tones. Steve 'The Colonel' Cropper, Donald 'Duck' Dunn, Willie `Too Big' Hall and Tom `Bones' Malone. We'll be back with the Magic Tones for the Armada Room's two hour disco swing party after this short break. Til then, don't you go changing.

[They all meet Jake and Elwood at one of the tables.]

Willie: So Jake, you're out, you're free, you're rehabilitated, what's next what's happening, whatcha gonna do? You got the money you owe us motherfucker?
Elwood: Look let's just get something straight here. The reason he got locked in the slammer in the first place was for sticking up a gas station to cover you guys.
Donald: You're kidding!
Elwood: He pulled that job to pay for the bands room service tab from that Chiwanous gig in Pols city.
Steve: He did?
Jake: That's right, so I don't wanna hear anymore of this small change shit.
Elwood: We're putting the band back together.
Jake: You were the backbone. The nerve centre of a great rhythm and blues band. You can, make that live, breath and jump again. Murph and the Magic tones? Look at you in those candy ass monkey suits. And I thought I had it bad in Joliet.
Willie: At least we got a change in clothes sucker, you're wearing the same shit you had on three years ago.
Donald: Jake ain't lying though. We had a band powerful enough to turn goat piss into gasoline.
Tom: But we'll never get that fab sound again, not without some more horns. We'll never get Mr. Fabulous.
Jake: Where is he?
Murph: Forget it. Mr Fabulous is the top Matre 'd at the Chez Paul. He's pulling down six bills a week.
Steve: Yeah and Matt Murphy up and got himself married.
Elwood: Where is Matt 'Guitar' Murphy?
Tom: He opened a soul food restaurant with his old lady on Maxwell Street, and he took 'Blue' Lou with him.
Willie: You'll never get Matt and Mr Fabulous outta them high paying gigs.
Jake: Oh yeah? Well me and the Lord. We got an understanding.
Elwood: We're on a mission from God.


Chez Paul Restaurant

Mr Fabulous: [Talking on the phone] Mainly French cuisine. No sir, Mayor Daly no longer dines here. He's dead sir. Private dining rooms are available. [He sees Jake walk in with Elwood] Oh no! I thought it was supposed to be five years. Didn't you get five years? [Back into the phone] Ah no sir, not you. And your name sir? Ritsolo for eight at 11:30. Thank you.
Jake: Mr Fabulous, how marvellous it is to see you. You're looking younger than ever.
Mr Fabulous: Wait, you guys can't come in here.
Jake: Nonsense my dear fellow, my brother and I have come to dine to celebrate my early release from the service of the state.
Mr Fabulous: Wait, let's talk outside. Let's have a cup of coffee outside.
Jake: Why heavens no! We seek a full meal and all the compliments of the house. Come Elwood let us adjourn ourselves to the nearest table and overlook this establishments board of fare.

[They enter the dining room as the phone rings.]

Mr Fabulous: [Into the phone.] Good evening, Chez Paul. [Sees Jake and Elwood.] Wait! Hey! [Into the phone again.] Ah, sir, would you mind calling back in about five minutes please?

[Jake and Elwood seat themselves at a table and are ignored until Jake whistles very loudly.]

Mr Fabulous: [To customers.] Excuse me, won't you?
Jake: [To waiter.] Give us a bottle of your finest champagne, five shrimp cocktails, and some bread for my brother.
Waiter (Pee Wee Herman): We have a Don Perignon '71 at $120
Jake: That'll be fine pal.
Mr Fabulous: Come on, seriously you guys, the food here is really expensive. The soup is fucking ten dollars. Come on let's go outside. I'll buy you a cup of coffee.
Jake: We're putting the band back together.
Mr Fabulous: Forget it. No way.
Elwood: We're on a mission from god.
Customer: Waiter! Sir! Please, waiter!
Mr Fabulous: Yes sir. How are your salads?
Customer:The salads are fine. It's just that, we'd.. we'd like to move to another table, away from those two gentlemen.
Mr Fabulous: Why? Have they been disturbing you?
Customer: No. It's just that.. well frankly, they're offensive. Smelling. I mean they smell bad.
Mr Fabulous: Excuse me sir, I'll see if I can locate another table for you.
Customer: Thank you.

[Jake and Elwoods wine arrives. The wine waiter attempts to serve it but Elwood offers the wrong glass.]

Waiter: Wrong glass, sir.

[Elwood waves the same glass at him and Jake moves over to the Customer's table.]

Jake: How much for the little girl? The women? How much for the women?
Customer: What?
Jake: Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters. Sell them to me. Sell me your children!
Customer: Matre d'! Matre d'!
Mr Fabulous: [To Jake] Cut it out. Cut it out. The owners are gonna ask me to call the cops.
Jake: You wouldn't do that to me would ya man?
Elwood: He just got outta Jolliet, he's on parole. You can't call the cops on him man.
Jake: We're putting the band back together.
Mr Fabulous: I said no. Absolutely not.
Jake: [To the customer] Yo! How much for your wife? [To Mr. Fabulous] We're putting the band back together. We need ya man, we need your horn.
Mr Fabulous: I can't, I really can't.
Elwood: We got everybody but Matt 'Guitar' Murphy and 'Blue' Lou and we're getting them next.
Mr Fabulous: No way.
Jake: If you say no, Elwood and I will come here for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day of the week.
Mr Fabulous: Okay, okay, I'll play. You got me.
Customer: Sir? Sir. Sir. Sir! Sir?


Illinois Nazis

[Jake and Elwood are caught in a traffic jam caused by the Nazis.]

Jake:[To a patrolling officer] Hey, what's going on?
Officer: Ah, those bums won there court case so their marching today.
Jake: What bums?
Officer: The fucking Nazi party.
Elwood: Illinois Nazis!
Jake: I hate Illinois Nazis.

[Elwood drives the car up to the bridge and towards the Nazis. Elwood speeds up. The Nazis are forced to jump into the water below]


The Soul Food Cafe

[Jake and Elwood enter and sit at the counter.]

Aretha:Help you boys?
Elwood:You got any white bread?
Aretha:Yes.
Elwood: I'll have some toasted white bread please.
Aretha: You want butter or jam on that toast honey?
Elwood: No ma'am, dry.
Jake: You got any fried chicken?
Aretha: Best damn chicken in the state.
Jake: Bring me four fried chickens and a Coke.
Aretha: You want chicken wings or chicken legs?
Jake: Four fried chickens and a Coke.
Elwood: And some dry white toast please.
Aretha: You all want anything to drink with that?
Elwood: No ma'am.
Jake: A Coke.
Aretha: Be up in a minute.

[She goes back to the kitchen]

Aretha: We got two honkies out there dressed like Hasidic diamond merchants.
Matt: Say what?
Aretha: They look like they're from the CIA or something.
Matt: What they want to eat?
Aretha: The tall one wants white bread, toast, dry with nothing on it.
Matt: Elwood!
Aretha: And the other one wants four whole fried chickens and a Coke.
Matt: And Jake! Shit, the Blues Brothers!

[Matt goes out into the cafe]

Jake: Matt, me and Elwood, we're putting the band back together. We need you and Blue Lou.
Matt: Oh man. Don't talk that way round here. My old lady, she'll kill me.
Elwood: Ma'am you gotta understand that this is a lot bigger than any domestic problems you might be experiencing.
Aretha: Matt, what the hell is he talking about?
Matt: Don't get roused sugar.
Aretha: Don't you "Don't get roused sugar" me! Now you not going back on the road no more, and you ain't playing no more two bit sleazy dives. You're living with me now, and you're not gonna go sliding around with you old white hoodlum friends.
Matt: But babe, this is Jake and Elwood. The Blues Brothers.
Aretha: The Blues Brothers! Shit, they still owe you money, fool!
Jake: Ma'am, would it make you feel any better if you knew that what we asking Matt here to do was a holy thing?
Elwood: You see, we're on a mission from God.
Aretha: Don't you blaspheme in here! Don't you blaspheme in here! Now this is my man and my restaurant and you two are gonna just walk right out that door, without ya dry white toast, without ya four fried chickens and without Matt 'Guitar' Murphy.
Matt: Now listen to me. I love you, but I'm the man and your the woman. And I'll make the decisions concerning my life.
Aretha: You better think about what you're saying. You better think about the consequences of your actions.
Matt: Oh shut up woman!


Ray's Music Exchange

[The band looks around the shop. Elwood finds an electric toaster and pulls a slice of white bread out of his jacket.]

Ray: Pardon me, but we do have a strict policy concerning the handling of the instruments. An employee of Ray's Music Exchange must be present. Now, may I help you?
Jake: Ray, it's me. Joliet Jake. I once rented some column speakers from you for my band, The Blues Brothers.
Murph: Tell me a little about this electric piano, Ray.
Ray: Ah you have a good eye my man. That's the best in the city of Chicago.
Jake: How much?
Ray: Two thousand bucks and it's yours. You can take it home with you. As a matter of fact I'll through the black keys in for free.


Bob's Country Bunker

[The band arrive. Jake and Elwood head for the bar.]

Claire: Well now what can I get you boys? Are ya thirsty, ya hungry, or you just driving through? Maybe you'd like a beer or something a little harder? Hey, you know we happen to make the states best pepper steak.
Jake: No thank you ma'am. We may be sucking back a few beers a little later on. We'll be here all night. You see, we're the band.
Claire: You are? Oh, gee, that's nice. Hey Bob!! This is the band!
Bob: Alright!
Elwood: Er.. what kind of music do you usually have here?
Claire: Oh, we got both kinds. We got Country, and Western.

[Bob walks up to them]

Bob: Hi. You the Good Ole' Boys?
Jake: That's us. The rest of the bands out in the parking lot getting our stuff together.
Bob: Well I'm sure glad to have you boys here. I'm Bob and this here is my place.
Jake: Well its a beautiful place Bob.

[After the gig, Jake and Elwood head out to the cars. The band are talking about the gig.]

Willie: I say this trip is no where man. I say we gotta quit.
Murph: What? Quit? Well I wish you guys would make up your mind. Otherwise I've gotta call Mr. Ronzinni at the Holiday in and get our old gig back.
Steve: Back at the Armada room?
Willie: I say we give the Blues Brothers just one more chance.
Donald: Why not? If the shit fits, wear it.


Chased by the Good Old Boys

[Bob from Bob's Country Bunker fires a shot through their back windshield]

Elwood: Our lady of blessed acceleration don't fail me now.


Publicity Drive

[Jake and Elwood have attached a giant megaphone to the roof of their car and are driving around town to advertise the gig.]

Elwood: Tonight only, the fabulous Blues Brothers. Rhythm and Blues review. The Palace Hotel Ballroom. Route 16. Lake Wazzapamani. The fabulous Blues Brothers show band and review... You, on the motorcycle!...You two girls, tell your friends. Free parking.
Elwood: Free parking. 2 dollar cover charge only folks. That's a lot of entertainment.
Jake: For two dollars.
Elwood: For two dollars.


The Palace Hotel Ballroom

Mr Mercer: [To Troopers] Who wants an orange whip? Orange whip? Orange whip? [to a nearby officer] Three orange whips.

[On stage, Curtis spots Jake and Elwood and gets the all clear to start the intro.]

Curtis: And now ladies and gentlemen, it is the distinct pleasure of the management to present to you, the evening's star attraction. Here they are back after their exclusive three year tour of Europe, Scandinavia and the sub continent. Won't you welcome from Calumet City Illinios, the show band of Joliet Jake and Elwood Blues.. The Blues Brothers.
Elwood: We're so glad to see so many of you lovely people here tonight. We would especially like to welcome all the representatives of Illinios' law enforcement community who have chosen to join us here at the Place Hotel Ballroom at this time.


The Drive to Chicago

Elwood: It's a 106 miles to Chicago. We got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake: Hit it!

[Cut to Police Station - Chicago.]

Radioer: All units we have a signal ten seven niner, officers are in pursuit a black and white, 1974 dodge sedan southbound on four-seven. Responds to signal ten seven niner. Occupants of vehicle on Joliet Jake Blues, one Elwood Blues. Consider them extremely dangerous.

[Elwood drives down an embankment, squad cars follow and all crash. Head Squad car steers out of control up the embankment which acts as a ramp, flies through the air and lands in the side of a truck.]

Mr Mercer: Hi. Wanna hand me the mike? Thanks a lot. Hi, this is car, ah...what number are we?
Officer Mount: Five, Five.
Mr Mercer: Car fifty five. Ah, we're in a truck!

[Back at the Chicago Police Station.]

Radioer: Signal ten seven niner still engaged. Vehicle travelling south bound. Approaching Chicago city limits. Commander advisers will contact Chicago precincts for a local intercept. Maintain pursuit.
Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers has been approved.

[A loud clunk is heard in Jake and Elwood's car.]

Elwood: Oh no!
Jake: What the fuck was that?
Elwood: The motor. Thrown a rod.
Jake: Is that serious?
Elwood: Yep.

THE END!


You can get your grubby hands on a DVD of the recently released '25th Anniversary Widescreen Edition' of The Blues Brothers right here: