Edinburgh Fringe 2006 | Snippets

A little selection of beauties to whet your whistle...

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
-- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
-- Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
-- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
-- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
-- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter if blind people were given pointed sticks?
-- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"
-- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into a bookshop and punched someone in the face.
-- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
-- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...
-- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
-- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
-- Steven Alan Green at C34

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
-- Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
-- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.-- Milton Jones at the Underbelly

British comedy eh? Can't beat it. You can buy it though...

Queen | Lazing On A Sunday Afternoon

A little bit of classic but not so well known Queen fun here, in the essence of the lyrics from a chirpy tune found on the A Night At The Opera album...



Lazing On A Sunday Afternoon
(Words and music by Freddie Mercury)

I go out to work on Monday morning
Tuesday I go off to honeymoon
I'll be back again before it's time for sunnydown
I'll be lazing on a Sunday afternoon
Bicycling on every Wednesday evening
Thursday I go waltzing to the Zoo
I come from London town
I'm just an ordinary guy
Fridays I go painting in the Louvre
I'm bound to be proposing on a Saturday night
There he goes again
I'll be lazing on a Sunday lazing on a Sunday
Lazing on a Sunday afternoon


Makes you want to put your feet up after a nice Sunday roast. There's plenty more classic Queen stuff on the album, just try it...

Andrew Marvell | The Definition Of Love

A little poetry (yes really) that I remember from my youth. Many a hazy afternoon was spent in the English classroom wishing that you were somewhere, anywhere else. But even then I liked this one. Or maybe I was just pining for a former girlfriend. As I did that for most of my youth, it does seem quite likely...



My love is of a birth as rare
As 'tis for object strange and high:
It was begotten by Despair
Upon Impossibility.

Magnanimous Despair alone
Could show me so divine a thing,
Where feeble Hope could ne'er have flown
But vainly flapped its tinsel wing.

And yet I quickly might arrive
Where my extended soul is fixed
But Fate does iron wedges drive,
And always crowds itself betwixt.

For Fate with jealous eye does see
Two perfect loves, nor lets them close:
Their union would her ruin be,
And her tyrranic power depose.

And therefore her decrees of steel
Us as the distant Poles have placed
(Though Love's whole world on us doth wheel)
Not by themselves to be embraced,

Unless the giddy heaven fall,
And earth some new convulsion tear;
And, us to join, the world should all
Be cramped into a planisphere.

As lines (so loves) oblique may well
Themselves in every angle greet:
But ours so truly parallel,
Though infinite, can never meet.

Therefore the love which us doth bind,
But Fate so enviously debars,
Is the conjunction of the mind,
And opposition of the stars.


Beautiful isn't it? take a copy with you on you travels by clicking here:

Arctic Monkeys | Snippets

As The Pub Landlord would say: "For four skinny lads, they make a hell of a lot of noise. I saw them on Friday 28th July at the St James in Auckland. It was their first ever NZ gig and they absolutely pummelled the place..."



Here are some of my favourite lines from their record-breaking first album, Whatever They Say I Am, That's What I'm Not:


I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor

When your shoulders are frozen (cold in the night)
Oh but you're an explosion (you're dynamite)

Well I bet that you look good on the dance floor
Dancing to electro-pop like a robot from 1984, from 1984

Oh there ain't no love
No Montagues or Capulets
We're just banging tunes and DJ sets and
Dirty dance floors and dreams of naughtiness


Fake Tales of San Francisco

There's a super cool band yeah
With their trilbys and their glasses of white wine
And all the weekend rockstars in the toilets
Practicing their lines

Yeah but his bird thinks it's amazing, though
So all that's left
Is the proof that love's not only blind but deaf


Nice one sunshine. If you don't have a copy of their stuff, you can snaffle some Arctic Monkeys goodies right here: